I'm a sinner...
I had many chances over the years. I had a chance to be a great older brother. The pressure got to me. I had a chance to be a husband. I couldn’t take it. I had a chance to be a stepfather. I screwed that up too.
I want to tell you it wasn’t my fault. I want to tell you that I was a bad brother because I my family sucked. I want to tell you I was bad brother because my Dad ran off. I want to tell you it was because my Mom became distant and disconnected. I want the reason to be because I was so fucked up by the way I was treated that I had no choice.
I want to tell you that I was a bad husband because my ex-wife was lazy. I want the reason I was a bad husband to be because she took me for granted. I want the reason to be because no matter how hard I tried it was never good enough. I want the reason to be because no matter how many 80 hour weeks I put in there was never enough money. I want it to be those reasons.
I want the reason I was a bad stepfather to be because the kids misbehaved. I want the reason to be because I got no support from my ex-wife. I want the reason I was a terrible stepfather to be because no one ever taught me to be a good father. I want the reason to be because I worked my fingers to the bone and was exhausted all the time. I want the reason to be because of this.
These are not the reasons. The reasons I want them to be are not the reasons my life went the way it did and turned out the way it turned out. Sure I can sit here like everyone else does and say “it made me the man I am today” but the truth is I have always been this man. No. There is only one reason my life went the way it did.
I made choices that guided my life. I knew in my heart and gut that I should stand up for my brothers and sister all those years ago but I chose to let fear guide my choice.
I knew that marrying the woman I did was a mistake but I let fear of being alone and fear of letting those kids down guide my choice and ended up with a bruise on my heart and soul.
There are things I had no control over. My dad running off. My mom disassociating. My lung collapse. The price of rent in NYC. I can’t control those things. I can control my choices.
I can choose to educate myself. I can choose to be resilient. I can choose to find a way to make more money. I can choose to be happy.
I can choose. I do choose. Every day I choose the way I feel and I choose the way that my life will work out. No matter what comes my way I choose. Because the moment I give up my choice I give up control. The moment I give up my choice I give up my freedom. So today and every day I choose.